Monday, November 2, 2009

You Can't Tell What Someone is doing....

"You can't tell what someone is doing by looking at what they are doing." If you have been through the ACT training, you are probably familiar with this phrase. I can't stress to you how much these words have come back over and over again to haunt me. I think that I understand it, then something happens and BAM! I am assuming I know what someone is doing, thinking, or believing based on what they are doing and acting on that assumption (positively or negatively).

Normally, I try to repeat this phrase to myself to remember that, although I can make assumptions about someone, I really cannot know what a person is controlling for when they do something. Usually, this helps me take a step back and assess a situation before acting in a mean or derogatory way. As my principal likes to say, "I am good at until I am not."

Just recently I have had the sad experience in life of loosing a friendship in part because we both forgot this universal truth. You probably have a similar story, she gave me unsolicited advice in area where I told her to give me space. I made assumptions and fired off an e-mail. She made assumptions and fired one back. I made assumptions and fired off an even nastier one. Before you know it, we are both stuck in our world of assumptions, too angry to talk to the other person. (Isn't e-mail great!) There is a lot more to the story, but suffice it to say I wonder what would have happened if I took the time to look at it from a different perspective instead of believing that I KNOW what she was trying to do. I wonder what would have happened is she took a step back and re-thought how she thought about me and my boundaries or intentions. Life is certainly filled with I wonders!

The good thing that has come out of this is that I understand on a deeper level the importance of approaching the world from the perspective that we don't know what someone is doing. I can't stop myself from making assumptions; it is part of who I am. What I can do is to stop myself before acting on them.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Choosing Connection and Cold Chicken


This evening, a friend and I went out for dinner.  Nothing fancy, really, just a simple dinner at Boston Pizza.  I ordered the Chicken Parmesan and he ordered the Cajun Chicken rice bowl.  His food arrived piping hot and mine stone cold.

I found this annoying even though this sort of thing happens ALL the time in ANY restaurant in town.  For the past 15 years, enjoying a nice meal out with a friend is hit or miss.  Knowing that this happens all the time and expecting it to occur, did not help keep me in balance; error was still present.

However, I refused to return the dish.  I forced myself to eat the breaded chicken breast covered with tangy tomato sauce and cheese with a side of boiled frozen vegetable; all of it cold.

Informing the waitress of the situation did not help my error.  I tried to justify to her why I informed her of a problem but then refused to send back to the dish.  It was an awkward conversation, to say the least, and by the end of it, my error had grown. 

All of a sudden, I realize that what had happened really didn’t make sense to me either. Why was I eating a disgusting meal, complaining about it and refusing people the opportunity to fix it?  What was it I was trying to get?  What’s more important here?

As I was walking out the restaurant door, it came to me.  I valued eating at the same time as my friend and sharing a meal together much more than I cared about what I was eating.  Once I realized this and said it out loud to my friend, I felt a lot better. 

The things we do for connection, eh?