"You can't tell what someone is doing by looking at what they are doing." If you have been through the ACT training, you are probably familiar with this phrase. I can't stress to you how much these words have come back over and over again to haunt me. I think that I understand it, then something happens and BAM! I am assuming I know what someone is doing, thinking, or believing based on what they are doing and acting on that assumption (positively or negatively).
Normally, I try to repeat this phrase to myself to remember that, although I can make assumptions about someone, I really cannot know what a person is controlling for when they do something. Usually, this helps me take a step back and assess a situation before acting in a mean or derogatory way. As my principal likes to say, "I am good at until I am not."
Just recently I have had the sad experience in life of loosing a friendship in part because we both forgot this universal truth. You probably have a similar story, she gave me unsolicited advice in area where I told her to give me space. I made assumptions and fired off an e-mail. She made assumptions and fired one back. I made assumptions and fired off an even nastier one. Before you know it, we are both stuck in our world of assumptions, too angry to talk to the other person. (Isn't e-mail great!) There is a lot more to the story, but suffice it to say I wonder what would have happened if I took the time to look at it from a different perspective instead of believing that I KNOW what she was trying to do. I wonder what would have happened is she took a step back and re-thought how she thought about me and my boundaries or intentions. Life is certainly filled with I wonders!
The good thing that has come out of this is that I understand on a deeper level the importance of approaching the world from the perspective that we don't know what someone is doing. I can't stop myself from making assumptions; it is part of who I am. What I can do is to stop myself before acting on them.
Monday, November 2, 2009
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1 comment:
Leslie,
We all struggle with this internal 'crisis'. I say crisis because in often backs us into a defensive & uncomfortable position. To overcome seeing others for from "my eyes" only, I have found as I grow in my understanding of and living PCT, a successful strategy. "Asking" is becoming a common practce - when I am not sure. As a result, I am much more at ease with myself & others. Never say 'never' to something as important as a friendship.
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